Problem: Finishing Too Quickly
Solution: For a while my technique for combating premature ejaculation was to think of one of my friends – a particularly beardy, hairy friend – standing in his underpants. Unfortunately, employing this technique would often take the joy out of sex, so I began using a different method – practicing my times tables.
I don’t do this out loud as I hear mathematics is considered a turn-off, but rather I simply go through them in my head. When I feel as though I am swiftly coming to a conclusion without having satisfied my significant other, I’ll count upwards in 7s;”7,14,21,28,35,42,49″ and so on and so forth, until I’m not as aroused as I was previously and I can continue about my business. When I get past 105, however, I find that it starts to get a bit tricky and that I’ll become too focused on multiplying 7 with other numbers to concentrate on the sex. That’s when I’ll move on to the number 8.
Problem: A Malfunctioning Penis
Solution: Aside from the obvious pharmaceutical treatments that are offered to men with erectile dysfunction, the only advice that can really be given to those who are suffering with a bout of Floppy Wang Syndrome is to apologise to your partner, courteously part ways and then fall to your knees and pray that she doesn’t tell anyone else about it. Which she definitely will, because life is cruel.
The thing to remember about erectile dysfunction is that it is typically caused by a lack of self-belief, so in order to get past it you must become at peace with your penis. Rather than worrying about whether or not your next sexual encounter will end with you desperately flopping your timid member around her groin area, instead believe that you will embark upon a Rocky Balboa-esque comeback, complete with a training montage in which your nob triumphantly scales a set of stone steps.
Problem: Lack of Confidence
Solution: Many men mistake being confident with being a pervert, wandering around clubs with their hands outstretched hoping that their palms will eventually land on any breast or buttock that has the misfortune of wandering into their path. You may think that because you don’t wear your dick on your sleeve that you have little chance of being considered a sexually viable partner, but fear not! There is still a market for the quietly confident man, the man who doesn’t try to combat his crippling lack of self-esteem by pinching the arses of strange women as they stand obviously at the bar.
Problem: Boring Sex
Solution: As you cannot have sex with yourself it is difficult to know whether or not you are rubbish at it, with the only way to really learn of the quality of your performance being to stare in the eyes of your partner. If she has the dead-eyed, loveless, stoic expression of a waxwork model then it’s safe to assume that you aren’t quite rocking her world, so you are therefore put in the unenviable position of coming to terms with the fact that you might be a bit boring at sex.
So how do you stop being so bloody dull? The solution that Cosmo would likely offer you at this point would be for you to ask your partner what you’re doing wrong, but who in their right mind is going to do that? Instead, your best bet is to simply keep turning it up a notch – spend more time on foreplay, wear crotchless leather chaps etc – until she’s screaming so loud that Buddhist monks living in the mountains of Tibet turn to each other and ask, “What the fuck was that noise?”